Guess what happened this morning? I missed the end of the Bye Bye Birdie episode of Full House. The snowstorm from hell hit Washington, D.C. and knocked out the power a few minutes before 8:30 this morning. I was angry and quite cold after six hours with no power. Finally, FINALLY, the power came on.
I was still bummed about missing the end of the episode. I’m anal retentive about watching tv shows in their entirety in one sitting. I hate to come in late and I hate to leave early. But enough of my nonsense… On to the even more ridiculous!
Per usual, this episode starts off with a nonsensical, cringe-worthy gag that has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot. Danny and Joey are in Michelle’s bedroom measuring her height. Don’t ask why that takes two people. After all, it takes at least three people to tuck that little twat into bed every night. Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky have to live in the attic for this very reason.
Michelle attempts to cheat by raising her arms and later standing on her tippy toes. Finally, after what seems like an inordinately long time, Danny informs us that Michelle is a half-inch taller. Danny and Joey applaud and yay all over such an accomplishment. Michelle responds,
“Big deal. See you!”
Then Michelle walks out of the room to the sound of the canned laugh track. It’s not actually funny, but it’s definitely enlightening. This little scene is proof that Michelle Tanner is not a human child. Aren’t human children always psyched to grow, even in increments under an inch? SHENANIGANS! Michelle is an alien. The bug eyes should have been a dead giveaway!
Thankfully, the gag ends and the opening credits start. I think I just realized why those opening bits are called “gags”.
After the credits, we find ourselves back in Michelle’s room. This bedtime is even more special than most. There are four people on duty for the Michelle tuck in. That’s right! We have Daddy Danny, Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, and Joey (a.k.a. the bum who lives in the basement). Tomorrow is Michelle’s first day of preschool and the FOUR adults are having a hard time getting her to go to bed.
“Let’s go to school, now!” Michelle demands.
“Preschool doesn’t start ’til tomorrow morning,” Aunt Becky explains. “If you go to school now, you’ll be the only one there.”
“You can come too,” Michelle quips. “I need a ride.”
Children in sitcoms scare the hell out of me. Seriously, they’re not actually allowed to act like kids. They act and talk as if they are very short adults. And they always break the fourth wall!
Joey comes up with the “brilliant” idea to mellow Michelle out with a story about her first day at preschool. All FOUR adults take turns contributing to this masterpiece.
“Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little princess who went to Meadowcrest Preschool for the very first time…”
Please, spare us all! The FOUR adults finish the asinine story and then all FOUR adults tuck Michelle into bed.
Then we’re treated to a Michelle dream sequence, which had to leave all four adult actors hating life. I can’t even do it justice by describing it!
I can’t even get into it. All you need to know is that there was a stupid chant.
“Yay, yay! The princess is here! We love the princess. Her name is Michelle. Yay, yay! Princess Michelle!”
Did we not learn anything from the “no swimming in the kitchen” episode? Calling Michelle a princess leads to no good.
The next morning, Michelle wakes up before everyone else. She puts her dress on backwards and proceeds to take all the food out of the refrigerator. Meanwhile, Stephanie ends up breaking the lock on DJ’s diary and blames it on the dog.
Finally, Danny takes Michelle to preschool. Some kid introduces Michelle to Dave, the class pet. Dave is a bird. The teacher invites everyone to sit on the “magic carpet” for story time. Michelle decides to invite the bird, who promptly flies out the window.
One of the kids tells the teacher that the bird flew out the window and that Michelle did it. Michelle pouts and says she’s a very bad girl.
Not that I’m sticking up for Michelle, but what the hell kind of preschool has a class pet? If a preschool must have a bird, than the school should have the sense to put a child-proof lock on the cage door and put the cage out of reach of little children. Better yet, don’t get a f**king bird for a preschool!!!
Later that day, Michelle stands in the backyard calling for Dave while wasting an entire loaf of bread.
This is neither productive nor prudent! Why don’t those three adult-like creatures put a stop to this? Instead, Danny mopes about how Michelle sat in the corner all day saying “I’m a bad girl” over and over. (It’s about time Michelle figured that out, wouldn’t you say?) Apparently, none of the kids would talk to her after she lost their bird.
Meanwhile, Stephanie crazy glues her hand to DJ’s diary while trying to repair the broken lock. What kind of house is this where children have endless access to crazy glue and all the food in the fridge?
Danny and Uncle Jesse go out and buy a new bird to replace Dave. Michelle is having none of it and refuses to go to preschool. Uncle Jesse gives in immediately, because it brings back a bad memory.
Apparently, Uncle Jesse was the goldfish monitor in kindergarten and was responsible for taking the fish home for the weekend. He forgot the bowl, the fish died, and all of the kids hated him forever. What the hell kind of teacher doesn’t check on a 5-year-old who is removing a pet from the classroom. How did this teacher let a little kid walk out with a goldfish stuffed in his pocket? And what is it with these fictional San Francisco schools and pets?
Afterwards, DJ catches Stephanie making repairs to her diary. Stephanie tries to blame Michelle this time. (Why not? The kid is already pretty down in the dumps after losing a bird that she shouldn’t have been allowed near in the first place.)
DJ demands to know why Stephanie is always snooping in her shizz. Steph claims it’s because DJ fascinates her. How so? Well, DJ goes to school dances, has seven teachers in one day, and carries a purse. (I can see that being fascinating to a kid in grade school. Finally, a kid on a sitcom who acts like a kid!)
And then the electricity went out, forcing me to miss the end. Luckily, a lovely person uploaded this episode to YouTube, allowing me to catch the ending. As if we couldn’t have figured it out on our own!
Michelle brings the new bird to school and offers it as the new class pet. All the kids forgive her and everyone is happy. The sappiness lives on!
Happy Birthday to my blog. It’s been one year! Yay, me! I managed to keep up this blogging thing for an entire year. This is my 55th post, which means I averaged about a post a week during the course of the last year. That’s a bit meh and I resolve to post more during the second year of my blog.
I just hit 10,000 page views, which is très exciting for me. I also have over 200 comments on this blog. I know that about half of those comments are from me. I guess that means that people felt compelled to comment on my posts over 100 times. That’s great considering that in the beginning, I was just talking (er, um, typing) to myself.
I recently created a Facebook fan page and joined the dark forces by tweeting. You can become a Facebook fan or follow me on Twitter by clicking on the links on the left side of the page.
So, what’s in store for the second year of my blog? Well, for one, I’m going to try to post at least twice a week. Other than that, I’m not sure. I mainly cover books and TV, with the occasional movie, toy, or game. What would you like to see more of in the next year? Please take the polls and/or comment on this post to let me know. I aim to please. And thanks for reading!
It’s time for more important life lessons courtesy of California Dreams. Not only are they hard-core rockers who play elevator music. They’re also wise sages.
If you’re unfamiliar with this crew, make sure to read all about the first episode of this engaging tween drama from the ’90s.
So, let’s get into the second episode of the first season, called Battle of the Bands. Ooooh, mysterious title. I wonder what takes place in this episode…
After the opening credits full of jumping on the beach and s’mores, we find ourselves at The Max Sharkey’s. Sly, Jenny, and Boring Matt lounge at a table, while Token Tony toils away serving burgers.
Suddenly, Tiffani with an i breezes through the door in a wetsuit, yammering about surfing as much as possible before school starts. Tiffani with an i claims that she was just surfing. Yet her hair is as dry as it was in the first episode. Curious…
Then there is some nonsense about Token Tony getting an earring in order to be the most popular guy at school. I don’t see the correlation here, but whatevs Tony!
Next, we’re introduced to Angela. We can tell she’s a nerd because she wears glasses, a ponytail, and dowdy clothing. This is unacceptable!
Clearly Angela is a blemish on society
Angela’s other crimes? She’s clumsy. She proceeds to trip over a table and staple her sleeve while hanging a poster. Also, she’s clearly in love with Boring Matt. (So I guess that also makes her stupid.)
When the gang ribs Boring Matt about Angela’s crush on him, he responds in the nicest way possible –
“Hey come on! We have nothing in common. I’m a rocker. She’s president of the classical music society.”
Are you kidding, Matt? Your band is called California Dreams. That’s hardly rock and/or roll. Plus, we’ve all seen your wardrobe.
Angela leaves in her ungraceful manner and Token Tony reads the poster she hung on the wall. Like, OMG! It’s an announcement for Battle of the Bands. The gang gets all excited until Jenny poops all over the party. She points out that they’re just going to lose to Bradley and the Billionaires again. For reals? That name is worse than California Dreams.
Don’t worry, though. Jenny’s little outburst doesn’t bring the gang down. They’re determined to win and it’s off to practice they go!
We cut to band practice.
PowerPoint Transition!
The band practices a song that sounds like someone turned on the easy listening station. There are a lot of references to “it’s time” and “yeah-eh-yeah-eh-yeah.” Yep, Matt’s one hell of a rocker!
After they finish, Bradley (sans Billionaires) walks in and complains about the noise pollution. I agree with that!
Richie Rich lives!
Finally, we’re at Battle of the Bands. There is a trippy version of the opening theme song playing over clips of different bands playing on stage. Either the show’s songwriters were too tired to write any more songs or all of the bands are playing the same damn song.
There are three judges and one of them is Angela. I knew she would be back to mar the otherwise beautiful landscape.
The next day, Sly tells the band that he knows the results the day before the winner is announced. Apparently, Sly crawled into an air duct to eavesdrop on the judges. Shades of Screech Powers!
Anyway, it’s a tie between California Dreams and Bradley and the Billionaires. There will be a run off competition. It seems that one judge liked the California Dreams, one judge liked Bradley and the Billionaires, and Angela was undecided.
Sly and Token Tony convince Boring Matt to date Angela to sway the vote their way.
It’s date night! Angela’s hair is down and the glasses are gone. She still manages to set the menu on fire and spill water all over Boring Matt. But all is forgiven, because she is suddenly hot. That’s right! All it took was the removal of glasses and a hair scrunchy!
Boring Matt suddenly has a conscience attack and can’t go on with the fake date.
“Look, I don’t think this is gonna work. We’re obviously two different people. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Angela. You’re a very nice person, but let’s face it. You’re classical. I’m rock and roll. You’re Beethoven. I’m the Beatles.”
Suddenly, Angela perks up. It turns out that she loves the Beatles. Then it turns out that they both just attended the same U2 concert and they both love Sunday Bloody Sunday. Suddenly, Boring Matt perks up and seems interested in getting to know Angela.
I will deign to speak with you now.
Angela and Boring Matt go out a couple of more times. Boring Matt wants to tell Angela the truth now that he really likes her. But we all know this never would have happened if she still had the glasses and ponytail.
Boring Matt does end up confessing, but Angela doesn’t believe he actually likes her.
The next day, we’re back at Battle of the Bands. We don’t get to hear Bradley and the Billionaires play, but we do get to hear the California Dreams. It’s a really sappy song about everybody needing a hand to hold, leaning on each other, and being a shelter from the storm. I don’t care what Boring Matt says, this is not rock and roll!
He's a rocker. Honestly, he is.
Well, I won’t keep you in suspense. California Dreams wins Battle of the Bands and the $500 prize. They’re really moving up in the world. Their last gig, which was coincidentally their first gig, only netted them $250.
Afterwards, Boring Matt approaches Angela and asks why she still voted for him after all he did to her. I’m wondering the same thing. Angela tells him she voted for California Dreams because they were the best. (Really? California Dreams was the best? I really, really wish I could hear Bradley and the Billionaires play.) Even if they were the best, I still think Angela should have voted against them out of spite.
Boring Matt then invites Angela to the band’s victory party. Angela tells him that he doesn’t have to keep pretending that he likes her. Boring Matt insists that he’s not pretending and proves it by giving her tickets to Beethoven. Yes, tickets to Beethoven. Apparently, he’s still alive. It may not be Sunday Bloody Sunday, but it’s enough to make Angela happy.
He's willing to look past her glasses, ponytail, and dowdy wardrobe. He deserves a medal.
So, lessons gleaned from this episode of California Dreams?
Girls can continue to surf without getting their hair wet
An earring is the key to popularity
Glasses and ponytails make women ugly
It’s okay to play with someone’s emotions if you’re trying to win a contest
Beethoven is still alive and kicking
See these lessons in action. A kind soul uploaded this episode to YouTube for those of you who don’t own the DVD.
I’ve been a pretty shabby blogger lately. I apologize and I’m trying to get back on track.
I have exciting news to make up for the recent lack of posts. Yours truly purchased the California Dreams Seasons One & Two DVD set!!!
There is much to snark in this 32-episode box set of fun! I will get around to recapping all episodes over the course of the next several months.
For those of you who have never heard of California Dreams, the show was about a group of kids who start a band in a Southern California beach town. The band members (and cast members for that matter) changed a bit over the 5-season run of the show.
Last night, I popped in the first disc and my husband promptly exclaimed, “Hey, look! It’s Saved by the Clone!” This is a pretty apt description, considering that the two shows were produced by the same people, both take place in Southern California beach towns, and both make use of bright colors and goofy patterns. Plus, California Dreams aired right after Saved by the Bell on NBC’s Saturday morning lineup.
California Dreams focused on the Garrison family in the first season and dropped them all together by the third season. At that point, it truly was a Saved by the Clone, focusing solely on the teenaged characters.
So, let’s get into the first episode of Season One – The First Gig.
We’re introduced to the Garrison family over a leisurely breakfast. We start with Papa Garrison reading the newspaper at the breakfast table. Starting with Mama Garrison, each member of the family comes to the table and swipes a newspaper section. The laugh track informs us all that this is uproariously funny. (Laugh, I command you. Laugh! This. Is. Funny.)
Jenny, the teenaged daughter and lead vocalist of the California Dreams, sits down with her stolen section of the newspaper.
“Oh, no. It says here that more Americans are saving money.”
Mama Garrison doesn’t understand the problem. Jenny enlightens her (and us)—
“No, don’t you get it? If they save it, they don’t spend it. And if they don’t spend it, they’re not gonna go to college. And then college teachers like Dad will be out of work, which means I’ll be homeless.”
Wow! Jenny’s logic astounds me. Perhaps she and Jessica Wakefield are kindred spirits. And perhaps this was simply a bit of expository dialogue to inform us that Dad is a college professor. Either way, yikes!
Next we have Dennis, the tiniest Garrison, swipe the comics from Papa. Papa complains and little bro gives us his two cents on the ways of the world—
But, Dad. I though you wanted me to take an interest in reading. Oh, well. I guess I’ll just become a terrorist!”
Did you hear that, kids? If you don’t read the Sunday funnies, you are a terrorist. Who knew that all it takes to maintain your patriotism is a little bit of the f**king Family Circus. (And it’s always there, in the lower right hand corner, just waiting to suck.)
And why aren’t you laughing at little bro’s wit? The laugh track commanded you to do so. Terrorists! You’re all terrorists!
Next, we’re introduced to Matt, the teenaged son and leader of the California Dreams, who enters and steals his section of the newspaper. And nothing. Matt’s boring.
Finally, Sly (Matt’s best friend and next door neighbor) enters the house. It’s important to note that Sly is wearing a cow vest on top of a purple shirt.
Trust me, this is the most exciting thing that happened over breakfast.
And then Sly speaks—
Hey, Jenny. What do you say you and I take a romantic little jaunt up the coast and find a cozy spot in the sand for two?”
Um, really? In front of her parents? I can’t imagine what would have happened in my house if some slimy doofus said that to me in front of my folks…
Don’t worry, though. Jenny has a comeback. Or not. She says stuff or something.
“Oh, it sounds wonderful. We spread out a blanket, you put your arms around me, our lips move closer… And just as we’re about to kiss, you wake up and discover that you’re a lonely, disgusting slime ball!”
Double ew! She said that in front of her parents? And they let her get all the way through it without putting a stop to it? There is some serious Wakefield-esque behavior going on here.
After that, the kids take a jaunt over to The Max Sharkey’s. Everyone, and I mean everyone, hangs out at Sharkey’s. It’s clear that no one has a summer job, except for Tony, the band’s token minority. Just like the Baby-Sitters Club, no one minds that Token Tony is black and they accept him for who he is. Who is he? Why the server of their burgers at Sharkey’s! (And also the drummer.)
Next, we’re introduced to Tiffani with an i. She is a bleach blonde clone of the Wakefield twins. (Crazy Margo, is that you?) She walks in wearing a wetsuit, informing us viewers that she is a surfer chick. She is also the bass player. Tiffani with an i whines that every time she is about to catch a good wave, she is suddenly surrounded by twenty guys. Life is difficult for hot, skinny chicks. We can all relate.
We all know that Tiffani with an i is full of shit. There is no way she just came from surfing. Her hair is bone dry. I suspect that she’s really an undercover terrorist.
Next, Sly and his cow vest are brutally shot down after begging to be the band manager.
Finally, Boring Matt moons over some girl named Randi Jo. Yes, that’s her name. Suddenly, another blonde Wakefield clone (Crazy Nora?) comes over to talk to the gang. Why, it’s Randi Jo! She asks Boring Matt if she can hear the band play sometime.
Randi Jo shows up at the band rehearsal later that afternoon. She is very impressed with their song about riding into a tube and surfing. The song is marginally better than School is a Bore by the Zack Attack. Apparently, that’s good enough for Randi Jo, because she books them for her Sweet 16 party. It’s their first gig and they’re going to get paid a whopping $250. (Wow, that’s a whole $62.50 for each of them. No wonder no one needs a summer job!)
But, oh noes! We have hit a snafu. Papa Garrison went and bought non-refundable plane tickets to the Grand Canyon. And the flight is the same night as the band’s first gig. Matt, Jenny, and their mother are too afraid to tell Papa about the gig. Apparently, Papa has his heart set on this trip and they’re afraid of letting him down. So, we get a lot of moping and nonsensical plotting.
Is Matt's shirt a cheat sheet for the gig?
Boring Matt is going on a date with Randi Jo and decides to ask her to move her party to a different weekend. On the first date, Matty? Really? You barely know this chick and you think it’s appropriate to ask her to move a party that she and her family have probably been planning for a long time?
Boring Matt chickens out of asking Randi Jo for such a huge favor, because of her great beauty. Um, okay…
Finally, Boring Matt does what he should have done in the first place. He tells Papa about the gig. And Papa actually agrees to cancel the trip, despite the non-refundable plane tickets. Spoiled little shits!
In a surprising twist of events, Jenny and Boring Matt decide to bag the gig and go to the Grand Canyon for their father. Sly decides to intervene, so that the band can play the gig and the Garrisons can go to the Grand Canyon.
Sly convinces a stereotypical Indian family to exchange their non-refundable airline tickets with the Garrisons’, so that the Garrisons can catch a later flight. In order to do so, Sly lies to the family and tells them they will meet Van Halen.
Meet Van Halen
Finally, we’re at Randi Jo’s fabulous Sweet 16 and the band is playing that same damn song about surfing into a tube (or something.) Afterwards, they play one last song and guess what it is? It’s the theme song to the show. Everything has come full circle!
The band starts playing the song and suddenly we’re taken out of the party and into an extended version of the opening credits. There is a lot of running on the beach, jumping up and down, and s’mores. It’s all very trippy. The most disturbing part was watching Jenny sit on her brother’s shoulders while wearing a skimpy bikini.
Couldn't Tiffani with an i have sat on Boring Matt's shoulders and Jenny have sat on Token Tony's shoulders?
After the weird beach fantasy thing, we end the song back at the Sweet 16. At the end of the night, the band asks Sly to be their manager as a thank you for all of his help making the first gig happen. What’s $250 divided by 5?
So, lessons gleaned from the first episode of California Dreams?
Terrorists don’t read
Only token minorities have to work
Girls can surf without getting their hair wet
Indian families are really easy to fool
Cow vests make everything better
See for yourselves! A kind person thoughtfully uploaded this episode to YouTube.
List ten things that make you happy. Try and do one of them today.
My husband (I know, I’m a cheese ball)
Ooh, cheese balls! I love those! In fact, I love cheese in all its varied and wonderful forms.
Talking to my friend A who lives across the country and I miss very much
Cupcakes! (In fact, my award is making me very hungry…)
Photoshop
Blogging
YA Lit from the ’80s and ’90s
TV shows from the ’80s and ’90s
Lifetime Movies
Board Games
List ten bloggers who brighten your day.
1bruce1 – Okay, I know this isn’t a blog, per se. It’s a community of many wonderful people who recap all things Sweet Valley. And damn it, it makes me happy!
30 is the new 13 – It makes me happy that someone kept all of their childhood writing. I regret not keeping mine
ABC Not-Just-For-Kids – I’m cheating, but I don’t care. Reading about Australian TV shows makes me happy, even though I’m an American
Literary Crap – Again, I’m cheating. Again, I don’t care. I just discovered this blog and it makes me happy. I love following what other people read and I especially love any and all snark brought to the table
Have you ever wondered why it takes two hours for the twins to drive between their parents’ house and campus, even though both of these places are in Sweet Valley? It turns out that there is a reasonable explanation.
It seems that the university and the Sweet Valley where the twins grew up actually exist in parallel universes. All things considered, two hours is pretty good timing for an inter-dimensional road trip.
I made this discovery while sifting through SVU books for the third part of Egregiously Elizabeth. Let’s take a look at the evidence, shall we?
I know you’re thinking that this looks perfectly normal. Well, think again! Let’s take a closer look…
Sweet Valley University is in Mirror Land! Why else would the letters on the SVU sweatshirt be reversed?
How the hell did they let this one go to press with such a glaring error? Was it discovered too late? I can just imagine what happened…
Worker 1: Oh, shit! Oh, f**k! Oh, shit! We are so going to get fired for this one!
Worker 2: Calm down! We’re not printing anything Pulitzer-worthy. Anyone who reads this series is clearly a moron. No one will ever notice.
Worker 1: Heh, you’re right. But, just in case, let’s slap this sticker in front of that sweatshirt.
Good plan! Too bad that they forgot about the back cover…
Would it have been that difficult to Photoshop out the letters on the sweatshirt?
As a side note, I think it’s safe to say that SVU has the worst logo in any universe. Here’s a photo on the back cover of the first SVU book.
Did anyone else have to wear t-shirts with their name spelled out in iron-on letters for gym class in grade school? That’s what those SVU sweatshirts remind me of.
And those denim shorts with the cuffs! Thank goodness it’s not 1993 anymore…
I know, I know. It’s been over a month since I posted the first part of my dissertation. You’ll have to forgive me. I needed about a month to recover from my overdose of Elizabeth Wakefield. Plus, it took a while to find the motivation to address the Senior Year series, because it pales in comparison to the original SVH series (i.e. it blows chunks.)
But don’t worry, my friends! Elizabeth was pretty gruesome during her senior year of high school too. There is more than enough dirt to go around.
I would like to start with a brief description of the Senior Year series before we get into the nitty-gritty of our favorite obnoxious twit’s special brand of sociopathy.
So, how did Francine and her minions come up with the premise for Senior Year? Easy! They transported some of the SVH characters into the late ’90s/early ’00s; added diversity, continuity errors, and “handwritten” angsty diary entries; and removed the kidnappings, murders, attempted rapes, and evil doppelgängers. Shortly thereafter, the readers commenced with the yawning. For a more in-depth description of this series, please see the series summary in my recap of the very last book on 1bruce1. I’m simply too lazy to come up with another summary.
So, get ready for my top five worst of the worst from our dear friend sans barrettes. (I’m sure the condescending looks are still in tact.)
5. Elizabeth gives her ex-boyfriend shit for hooking up with another girl while they were broken up, despite the fact that she spent their time apart hooking up with his best friend.
Before I get into this hot mess, let’s talk about the cover featuring Maria Slater and Ken Matthews. I’m not sure why there are two of each of them. I can only assume that one pair are evil doppelgängers getting ready to kill the other pair and take over their lives. Oh, wait. Wrong series. Moving on…
Here’s what went down. (Don’t worry, Elizabeth’s purity is still in tact.)
Elizabeth dated a douchetard named Conner McDermott for the first part of her senior year. This guy was a class act who treated her like garbage and then dumped her ass when he went away to rehab for his alcoholism. (Please note that they actually drink beer in Senior Year, as opposed to the scandalous wine in original SVH.)
While in rehab, Conner “fell in love” with some twat named Alanna. When he gets home, he is totes torn up about who he wants to be with. Alanna or Elizabeth? Elizabeth or Alanna? Twit or Twat?
To resolve this problem, Conner makes out with Elizabeth in his kitchen. Alanna just happens to walk in on them. Of course.
Later on, Conner explains the situation and Elizabeth plays wounded victim, pretending to patiently wait for Conner to make his decision. Elizabeth fails to mention the fact that she spent a majority of Conner’s rehab stint hooking up with his best friend, Evan.
Conner finds out from someone else and fantastically bitches her out.
“You’re still trying to pull this act,” [Conner] said. “Elizabeth the sweet and perfect, and Conner the bad guy. Liz, drop it. I know about you and Evan.”
Elizabeth took a shaky breath. “Conner, let me just explain,” she started.
“Actually, no,” he said. “I don’t want to hear it.”
Elizabeth licked her lips. What did she say to that? Conner was right. She should have told him about her and Evan. But she was planning to tell him – eventually. It just hadn’t seemed like the right time ever.
Hey, dingbat! The right time was when he told you about Alanna. Why are you being so self-righteous about the whole thing? And quit licking your lips. It causes chapping.
Her eyes started to fill with tears. “Conner, I lo–”
“Liz, it’s over,” he cut in. “We’re done. I’m sick of trying to be as perfect as you are. Especially when you’re not and you just can’t accept it. We’re wrong for each other. We’ve always been wrong for each other. So that’s it, okay?”
I’m kvelling! I honestly can’t stand Conner, but this scene almost won me over. I just wish he hadn’t ended the big tell off with a question. It’s a sign of weakness. It would have been better if he had ended it with a Ross Geller “WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!”
4. Elizabeth invites her sister’s former tormenter to dinner and encourages her to date him.
(Quick side note: The boy on the cover is the infamous Conner in all his doucherrifc glory. Also, I have that damn a-ha song stuck in my head now. Anyway, back to the inanity!)
Here’s the backstory that you may have missed. Original SVH ended with a horrific earthquake which killed some non-blonde characters and leveled nearby El Carro High School and the Wakefield’s home. The Wakefields moved in with the Fowlers while their house was being rebuilt. The Senior Year series starts with half of the El Carro kids being moved to Sweet Valley High.
One of those El Carro transplants is Will Simmons, quarterback extraordinaire. Will and Jessica hook up and Will neglects to tell her he’s been in a serious relationship with cheerleader Melissa Fox since grade school. Melissa finds out and starts spreading nasty rumors about Jessica being a slut to the whole school. Most of the school turns against Jessica, including her best friends. Will does nothing to stop the rumors and does not defend Jessica until it’s a little too late.
He tries to make it up by helping the Wakefields with their move back home. Elizabeth gets on Jessica’s case for booting Will out after the move and complains that their parents didn’t get a chance to invite him to dinner as a thank you.
And then we get this most unhelpful advice to give Will a second chance.
“Jess, even you have to admit that [Will's] been really nice lately,” Elizabeth said, tilting her head. “He didn’t have to give up his entire Sunday just to help you move, you know.”
“So?” Jessica said.
“So, he only did that because he really likes you,” Elizabeth continued. “And what other horrible things has he done lately? Let’s see, he gave you all kinds of presents and defended you to the entire school.”
What horrible things has he done lately? Are you kidding me? LATELY? You can’t just ignore what he did at the beginning of the school year. Plus, I really don’t see how giving a girl presents makes up for taking part in trashing her reputation and making her feel sub-human. But I digress…
“I just don’t think dinner’s such a good idea.” Jessica furrowed her brow. “And why are you pushing so hard to have Will come over?”
Elizabeth lifted one shoulder. “I think he deserves a second chance,” she answered.
Again, are you kidding me? Look, if Jessica wants to accept his sincere apology, that’s one thing. But to date the guy? NO!!!
But it gets worse. Later on…
“Well, I figured if I couldn’t fix my own boyfriendless situation, maybe I could help you with yours,” Elizabeth said, concentrating intently on her thumbnail.
“What did you do?” Jessica demanded, grabbing Elizabeth’s hands and pulling her up into a sitting position. Elizabeth’s hands felt oddly warm, clasped inside one of her own.
“I asked Will over for dinner…and he said yes.”
That’s pretty shitty if you ask me. Jessica told you over and over that she does not like Will. Yes, we all know that Jessica’s lying and is pretty stupid to fall for a guy like Will. But do you really have to help their relationship of doom along, Lizzie?
And um, why did the ghosties feel the need to mention that Elizabeth’s hands were oddly warm? It’s so off-topic and sounds like the beginning of soft-core porn.
“How could you do this to me?” Jessica asked.
“Don’t be so dramatic,” Elizabeth said with a shrug.
Jessica is hardly being dramatic. And shrugging her off is not cool.
“Disinvite him.”
“What?” Elizabeth asked. “Are you in second grade? It’s just dinner.”
How exactly is Jessica being childish by not wanting to dine with the boy who had a hand in destroying her reputation and stomping all over her heart? And it is most definitely not “just dinner”. Elizabeth was being a rotten sister. Do you think this was payback for the time that Jessica spiked her drink and framed her for manslaughter during their junior year?
3. Elizabeth obsesses about her ex-boyfriend and sneaks around with him behind her current boyfriend’s back.
So, Elizabeth is back to dating Jeffrey French at this point. Only he is no longer a soccer player and photographer. He is now a DJ and surfer who goes by the name of Jeff (and sometimes DJ Splendid). Gone are the preppy clothes and short hair. Woe is me for the demise of my beloved Jeffrey French, the boyfriend who was always way too good for Elizabeth. (I refuse to call him Jeff.)
Remember how Elizabeth stomped all over Jeffrey’s heart during original SVH, cruelly leaving him for the Toddster? Well, she’s shitting all over him yet again in this book.
You know what, woman? You’re really being an ElizaBITCH right now!
One night, Elizabeth goes to hear Jeffrey DJing at The Riot, an all ages rave club. (Don’t get me started on The Riot…) While she’s there, she runs into Conner at the bar. (Don’t worry, Mr. Coholic is only drinking seltzer tonight.) Elizabeth swoons after Conner speaks to her without throwing any hateful words or looks in her direction. It’s completely abnormal for Conner to treat her with any respect, and this change in behavior makes her want to dry hump him or something. Hilariously, Conner is thinking about Alanna (who is now his ex) the entire time.
The next day, Conner reads some lame ass story about a lost guitar in Creative Writing class. Elizabeth decides that this story must be about her and writes in her diary –
That story was totally about me. The more I think about it, the more sure I am. Consider the evidence.
The guitar was made of blond wood. Blonde. Get it?
Um, no. I don’t get it at all.
Plus, it was the musician’s first guitar, and I was Conner’s first love. Yeah, he’d gone out with a lot of girls before me, but he definitely felt more strongly about me than anyone who came before.
Because you’re the one who changed him? Hah! You are not the Regina Morrow to his Bruce Patman.
So, I’m the precious guitar. Conner is the musician.
And boy did you ever get played. Zing!
That means the new, fancy guitars the musician tried out clearly represent Alanna. So when the musician got tired of the new guitars, he went looking for the first guitar again, only to find out it was gone forever.
Think about it. Conner and Alanna just broke up, and when Conner went looking for me, he realized I was with Jeff – that is gone forever.
It’s so perfectly clear.
…So what am I going to do about it?
I don’t know, but all I can say is poor Jeffrey.
Later on, Elizabeth gets her panties in a twist over Conner while hanging out with Jeffrey. Then she manipulates Conner into going on a coffee date by pretending that she needs help with a creative writing assignment. After that, she blows off a date with Jeffrey to go on her non-date with Conner.
While on the non-date, Elizabeth practically creams herself over Conner. At the same time, Conner is thinking how great it is that he can hang out with her and not feel any attraction. Ha ha, awesome!
At the end of the non-date, she weasels her way into a second non-date for more help with her creative writing. Ugh… This time Elizabeth doesn’t tell Jeffrey that she’s hanging out with her ex-boyfriend.
Conner gives her a ride to his house and the two talk creative writing. Conner tells her that he wants to re-write the ending to the guitar story, so that the musician finds the first guitar and smashes it to pieces. Gotta love the violence!
Elizabeth realizes that there is nothing between her and Conner and decides she still wants Jeffrey. Nice!
After that, the two decide to play Scrabble. Those wild and crazy kids. During the game, the two argue over whether something is a word, throw ice cubes at each other, and almost kiss. Again with the violence! The two are interrupted by the doorbell. It’s Alanna and she flips the f**k out when she sees Elizabeth at Conner’s house. Alanna takes off and Conner chases after her, leaving Elizabeth stranded at his house with no ride. Kharma, baby!
2. Elizabeth plans to publish a scandalous article about her best friend’s boyfriend, even though she has been sworn to secrecy and could get the boyfriend’s father arrested.
Isn’t “Me, Me, Me” always Elizabeth’s motto?
She’s going to go for it all right, no matter who she has to step all over.
Elizabeth gets some fancy pants internship at a news magazine called the Scope and thinks she’s God. She vows to come up with an idea for an article that will wow everyone at the magazine and get her published. This is despite the fact that she is only in high school, this is an unpaid internship, and she is merely a gofer.
Meanwhile, Maria Slater’s boyfriend, Ken Matthews, is having a crisis. He finds out that his father bribed someone at the University of Michigan to get Ken a football scholarship. Ken is really bumming about this and Maria is really worried. Maria makes the mistake of confiding in Elizabeth and vowing her to secrecy.
What a great story.
The thought leaped into [Elizabeth's] mind and wouldn’t leave, even when she tried to chase it away.
What a totally, completely unbelievably perfect article for the Scope! A major exposé!
Elizabeth later has second thoughts about the story, knowing that it will ruin her friendship with Maria. (Um, not to mention the fact that Ken is also your good friend, you used to hook up with him behind Todd’s back, his girlfriend died at the end of the last school year, and you could get Ken’s father in some serious trouble. But whatevs! An exposé is an exposé.)
Maria mentions that Melissa Fox knows about the whole thing and is scared that she’ll tell everyone. Elizabeth’s newfound conscience doesn’t hold out for too long after she hears this.
The wheels in Elizabeth’s brain started turning furiously again. If Melissa already knew about this, then it was probably just a matter of time before she let the news drop in a big way. Why should she let Melissa scoop her? And at least if Elizabeth told the story, it would be the truth.
Besides, she reminded herself for probably the hundredth time that week, it’s all about me now. And as obnoxious as that sounded, she was determined to follow through.
Yeah, it does sound obnoxious. Why am I not surprised?
Elizabeth stays up until the crack of dawn writing the proposal for the article, so that she can give it to her boss the following afternoon. Elizabeth never hands the proposal to her boss because of a series of events beyond her control.
When Elizabeth gets to her internship that afternoon, there is some kind of emergency deadline and her help is needed right away. She busts her butt helping out a reporter named Leo, doing all kinds of last minute research and getting a ton of quotes. Her boss goes home while she is still helping Leo, so Elizabeth doesn’t get the chance to give her the proposal.
As she is leaving for the evening, she overhears Leo on the phone with her boss, taking credit for all of Elizabeth’s work. Elizabeth has a final conscience attack and realizes that she will be as much of a backstabber as Leo if she submits the proposal to her boss. (Um, actually, you would be an even bigger backstabber.)
Elizabeth tears up the proposal and that’s the end of that.
Okay, I know that Elizabeth didn’t actually go through with submitting the proposal, which is a point in her favor. However, the fact that she even wrote the damn thing in the first place is appalling to say the least. She clearly did not learn much from the whole Ricky Capaldo incident, which I mentioned in the first part of my dissertation. Friends’ personal lives are not fodder for news stories!
1. Elizabeth kisses her best friend’s ex-boyfriend right after the breakup and gets her sister fired from her job all in one day.
By the way, that goofy-looking girl on the cover is Jessica.
Elizabeth and Jessica both have jobs. Elizabeth works at a coffee shop called House of Java and Jessica works at some new-age store called Healthy. Both girls have conflicts with their upcoming shifts one weekend that neither one can get out of. They decide to pull a twin switch and cover for each other at their respective jobs. (Twin switch! Squee! How very old-school SVH!)
Jessica shows up at House of Java and covers for Elizabeth, but Elizabeth forgets to cover for Jessica at Healthy. Jessica’s boss fires her for not showing up and failing to call out.
Why did Elizabeth forget? Well, it seems that she was invited to a pool party that Conner was attending. The same Conner who just coldly dumped her best-friend, Maria Slater. The same Conner who Elizabeth obsessed about the entire time he was with Maria.
Elizabeth puts on a ton of makeup and boldly wears a new bikini. Some of the guys end up throwing her in the pool, making the makeup run all over her face. Elizabeth is so humiliated that she leaves the party.
Conner follows her out and they both sit in her car. Then, they kiss.
Getting her sister fired and kissing her best friend’s ex is a lot to live down in one day!
Stay tuned for Part 3, where we revisit Elizabeth’s Sweet Valley University years.
Here are the rules that came with the award:
1) Thank the person who nominated me for this award.
2) Copy the award & place it on my blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated me for this award.
Hooray! I managed to follow the first three rules! Bear with me, I’m not so good with rules…
4) Tell us 7 interesting things about yourself.
1. I am strangely obsessed with time travel. I love books, movies, and TV shows that have anything remotely to do with time travel. It doesn’t matter how bad these books, movies, and TV shows are.
2. I would quit my job within 30 seconds after winning a huge lottery jackpot, even though I like my job. (I doubt this will ever be an issue since I never actually play the lottery.)
3. Despite the fact that I spend much of my time living in the ’80s and ’90s, I do in fact watch current TV shows. My favorites are:
Greek (although I never joined a sorority)
90210 (only because I loved the original)
The City (because of Kelly Cutrone and the fact that my old love, The Hills, now sucks)
Glee (I was in choir, drama club, and musical theater club back in high school)
Flash Forward (time travel!!!)
Tabatha’s Salon Takeover (even though I know jack about hair)
The Office (although I think it’s time to end it already)
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (damn my brothers-in-law who made me watch a whole season on DVD over Christmas. Now I’m hooked on yet another show…)
Degrassi The Next Generation (just because)
4. My all time favorite book growing up was Charlotte Sometimes. It involves time travel (naturally). Charlotte goes away to boarding school and wakes up every other day in the past at the same boarding school. She keeps alternating between the present and the past and almost gets stuck living in the past at one point. Good times. I highly recommend reading this book.
5. I have an encyclopedic memory for useless facts, yet no memory for anything important.
6. I have a life-threatening allergy to peanuts.
7. I prefer vanilla to chocolate (but I still LOVE chocolate).
5) Nominate 7 bloggers and 6) Post links to the 7 blogs I nominate.
1. Dibbly Fresh
I may be breaking the rules by paying it back, but I just can’t help it! I love this blog. Nostalgia and snark!
2. Are you there youth? It’s me, Nikki.
Again with the cheating! I warned you about me and rules. Deal with it! Anyway, I’m constantly re-reading books from my childhood. I’m a new addict of this blog!
3. Fear Street
Fear Street snark! What’s not to love?
4. Shadyside Snark
There can never be enough Fear Street snark to go around!
5. Fitzie’s Soda Shoppe
I loved Girl Talk books! I must confess, I purchased a shit ton of these books on eBay last year. Recession be damned! Anyway, I don’t own them all, so this blog is perfect for filling in the blanks. Plus, it covers other YA series – Sleepover Friends, Gymnasts, and Freshman Dorm to name a few.
6. Like Pike
Christopher Pike snark! But no updates since May. Please come back to us! Pretty please!
7. 30 is the new 13
Like Sada, I wrote a lot as a kid. I would often start book series that I never finished. Most of my creations were rip offs of rip offs that were already out there. I only wish I had kept all of my childhood writing.
That’s it for award season! I may not get around to a new post before the end of the year. So, a Happy New Year to everyone!
Aaaaack! I’m panicking! According to Yahoo’s omg! site, Brittany Murphy died from cardiac arrest this morning. OMG, indeed! I am so saddened by this news. 2009 was a rotten year for celebrities, wouldn’t you say?
I know that Brittany Murphy has been in other movies since Clueless, but her role as Tai will always be my favorite. Without Clueless, we wouldn’t have such gems as…
“Why should I listen to you, anyway? You’re a virgin who can’t drive.”
“Cher, I don’t want to do this anymore. And my buns, they don’t feel nothin’ like steel.”
“Yeah, I hope not sporadically.”
“Right before you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear. It’s a very intense, spiritual thing.”
Of course, I’ll always love Brittany as Tamera’s best friend during the first season of Sister, Sister, merely because of the fact that she was Brittany Murphy. I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch Riding in Cars With Boys without a few sniffles. I know I won’t be able to get through Girl, Interrupted.
Okay, so I’m sort of cheating on this one. Meet the Parents was actually released in the year 2000, just a teensy weensy little bit after the ’90s ended. However, I’ve been sort of blah lately and lacking in energy as far as blogging is concerned. Plus, I’m grumpy from the two feet of snow that decided to fall on Washington D.C. I only love staying home all weekend when it’s a choice.
Anyway, back to Meet the Parents, which was on tonight during the blizzard.
I get pretty riled up whenever I watch this movie. The way I see it, Pam Byrnes is 99% of Greg Focker’s problem during the wedding weekend from hell. Most of the shit that goes down is really all her fault. But let’s go back to the beginning.
Pam and Greg have been living together for an undisclosed amount of time and keeping it a secret from her parents. Pam and Greg travel to her childhood home for a long weekend for Pam’s sister’s wedding. During all of this, Pam’s overprotective and overbearing psychotic father sets out to make Greg’s life a living hell. Greg keeps f**cking up while trying to make a good impression by flooding the backyard, losing the family cat, and setting the house on fire.
This movie is supposed to make us chuckle while we feel sympathy for Greg due to the way Pam’s father is treating him. The movie definitely accomplishes both of these things. However, it seems to gloss over the fact that Pam is a world class bitch. Here’s the proof.
1. Upon arriving at the Byrnes residence, Pam confiscates Greg’s cigarettes.
I would applaud such an act if Pam chucked Greg’s cigarettes onto the roof to protect his health. In this case, her reasoning was because her father sees smoking as a sign of weakness. The smoking is a part of his personality that she has clearly accepted. Pam is implying that Greg is not acceptable to her father and that he must put on an act to win the father’s approval.
The other problem is that Pam did not discuss all of this with Greg before they left home. They live together, so there should have been ample opportunity for such a conversation. Instead, she cuts off Greg’s nicotine cold turkey without his consent. This is very cruel behavior towards a loved one.
2. Pam immediately tells her father that Greg hates cats.
Wait. First Pam wants Greg to make a good impression on her father by hiding the fact that he is a smoker. But then she immediately tells her cat-obsessed father that Greg hates his cat? If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that Pam was trying to sabotage her own relationship.
3. Pam neglects to tell her live-in boyfriend that she was once engaged.
It’s pretty terrible that Greg finds out about this during a casual conversation about Pam’s sister’s engagement ring. Pam’s mother mentions that Pam has already seen the ring. Apparently, Pam’s father sent Deb’s fiance to the same diamond guy that Pam’s ex-boyfriend purchased her engagement ring from. Coincidentally, Deb’s fiance picked out the same exact ring.
This is just shitty. There is no getting around the fact that Pam should have told Greg that she was once engaged. Particularly, because, well, you’ll see if you keep reading…
4. Pam does not scream at her father after finding out that he forced her boyfriend to take a lie detector test.
Pam does seem to feel bad that this happened. However, she kind of brushes the whole thing off in a “that’s just Daddy” kind of way. I would be livid if my father pulled a stunt like that and I would not find it the least bit acceptable. Pam and her father have a seriously f**cked up relationship.
5. Pam makes Greg barge into her brother’s room to borrow clothes when Greg has never even met the kid.
Hasn’t Greg been through enough at this point? First, the airline loses his luggage and he has no changes of clothing. Next, a baby spits up on his only outfit. After that, you take away his cigarettes. Now, you can’t just go get him some of your brother’s f**cking clothes? How hard is that for you, Pammy?
6. Pam neglects to tell Greg that the best man is her ex-fiance until they arrive at the guy’s house for a barbecue.
As they’re walking up the driveway, Pam says that she hopes this won’t be too weird for Greg. When he asks why, Pam is all, I thought I told you about blah blah blah. Oh, for f**ck’s sake, Pam! How in the hell do you not remember to tell Greg? And how in the world could you possibly think that you already told him? Wouldn’t his negative reaction have been pretty memorable?
7. Pam remembers a swimsuit for herself, but clearly forgets to find one for Greg.
Pam clearly knew they were going to a barbecue swim party, because she remembered her skimpy bikini. She also knew that Greg did not have a swimsuit due to the whole lost luggage fiasco. She could have at least warned him. Of course she forgets and he ends up borrowing a tacky speedo from the ex-fiance.
8. Pam thinks she should ask her ex-fiance to dance at the rehearsal dinner.
Um, no. Just no. This is not okay at all. First, Pam neglects to tell Greg that she used to be engaged. Next, she neglects to tell him that the ex-fiance is the best man and that they are going to his house. After that, Greg sees photos of Pam and the ex-fiance plastered all over the guy’s house. Finally, Pam tells Greg that the ex-fiance looks lonely and says she thinks she should ask him to dance. HELL TO THE NO!
I think that’s enough of a laundry list. All of these things make Pam a crappy girlfriend.
I know, I know. Greg isn’t perfect. After all, he nearly ruined the wedding. He knocked over the urn that held Pam’s grandmother’s ashes and the cat ended up taking a piss on the ashes. He flooded the backyard with poopy by flushing a bad toilet and overflowing the septic tank. He accidentally gave the bride a black eye and bloody nose with a volleyball. He let the cat out by accident and then chased it onto the roof to try to get it back inside. While on the roof, he found his cigarettes and smoked one. While trying to grab the cat, he dropped his lit cigarette onto the roof, which burned down part of the back of the house as well as the wedding alter in the backyard. He still lost the cat after all this. He replaced the cat with a nearly identical cat from the shelter and spray painted the shelter cat’s tail to make him look like the family cat. The shelter cat ruined the wedding dress while everyone was out at the rehearsal dinner.
Whew… Greg kind of sucks, right? Yet I still feel bad for him. Especially because it all works out in the end. Pam’s father accepts Greg into the family and encourages him to propose to Pam as he originally intended to do. Poor Greg, marrying into this family of inconsiderate and insufferable jackasses.
I wonder how Greg’s parents treated Pam in the sequel? Believe it or not, I have not yet seen Meet the Fockers. Maybe tomorrow. After all, I’ll still be snowed in…
